Man Who Forgot How to Speak Chinese Changes Name to Kevin

“What part of ‘Ni Hao Kai Lan’ means hello?”

March 4, 2021

By: Julia Zhen

MADISON, WI – Qiang Zheng was reviewing his resume and decided it was finally time to remove “Fluent in Mandarin” from under his skills section. It was a gutting decision to make, but Zheng knew that he was no longer proficient enough to prove any quantifiable skill in the language. He knew he had become white-washed over the years, living in the Schenk-Atwood neighborhood of Madison, WI. “I might as well change my name to Kevin Zheng while I’m at it.” 

“Last week in the dentist’s office, they were playing ‘Ni Hao Kai Lan’ on the TV in the waiting room area. I couldn’t even remember which part of the phrase Ni Hao Kai Lan meant ‘hello’” explained Kevin Zheng, formerly Qiang Zheng.

“I mean, should I even be taking my shoes off in the house anymore?” A quick glance at the carpeting revealed years worth of dirt stains that would make any mother shriek. 

Zheng continued, “I switched to using a fork to eat because it’s just easier honestly.” Zheng’s newly minted bachelor pad proved that there weren’t a pair of chopsticks in sight, just carbon copies of the 16-piece IKEA MOPSIG silverware collection.

“I’ve been trying to cut back on rice since I’m trying to go low carb, but my favorite cheat food is a nice bologna mayo sandwich on white bread. It just really hits.” As Zheng gave us a tour of the rest of his kitchen, there was only salt and pepper shakers found in the cabinets. Zheng adds “Yeah, sriracha gives me reflux nowadays, and hoisin sauce, and oyster sauce, and honestly I was never a fan of Laoganma.” While Zheng’s set-up was unusual for a Chinese person, it was certainly suitable for a 23 year-old man. 

When asked about Zheng’s current occupation and future, he longingly states “You know, I got my background in computer science, but I am really considering just getting a fresh start. I’ve always wanted to be a colonizer.” Confused, we tried to press Kevin for more questions but he denied to answer stating that “the current state of worldly affairs is not a discussion to be rushed and besides, I’m already running late to the dog-friendly biergarten. My improv & ultimate frisbee duo team are waiting for me.”