5 People It’s Actually Okay to Cyberbully

Stop posting on ‘finsta’ and go to therapy.

March 3, 2021

We all post cringe on the internet. Here are some that crossed a line and, with our help, can be cyberbullied back into the ACZ (Acceptable Cringe Zone).

Sean

After a devastating breakup with his girlfriend for “playing Pentatonix at her grandmother’s funeral wake,” Sean delved even further into his first love: college a capella. Now, he falls asleep to Whiffenpoof fan cams and has promised to only marry a woman in a rival acapella group. His latest tweets:

“if she doesn’t have vocal nodes, ill have to say vocal NO,”

“academic is just a cappella pandemic !! aca-lmaaooo,”

“uuhh before the world ends does an anna kendrick type wanna admit they have a crush on me :3.”

Our method of approach must be decisive and ruthless: leave Sean hate comments on every college a cappella video. For example, under Tuft’s Beelzebubs rendition of “Who Do You Love,” I am writing “not Sean.”

Dana

Dana has no understanding of private versus public. On her open Instagram account, @mylife-is-a-nitemare, she posts poetry, covers, and hellscape collages made from her high school yearbooks. Her life is messy and she lets everyone know. Here is a poem detailing her parent’s divorce.

u held each others hands with open grip but they were too open – u let slip mom, why did u sleep with dads brother dad why did u sleep with moms sister brother, sister, mother, father, borderline incest, border, border now raised by 4 || crowded || aunt uncle ||| death shrouded |||

Emotional damage drove this woman to Instagram and a little more emotional damage will drive her away. I have already started a change.org petition for Rupi Kaur to comment “this is not good” on all of her posts. Please sign. Dana’s oversharing will be resolved promptly.

Abby and Will

Abby has loved horses ever since she was a little girl. She has never ridden one, never even touched one, but has always dreamed of life on a ranch. You can find her on Goodreads, only rating equestrian romance novels. Her favorites include: Reckless in Texas, In The Reins, and The Horseman’s Secret. She met her husband, Will, at Wesleyan’s Horse Fan Club. Will’s love for equestrian activities came later in life. He was impartial towards horses for most his life but, at age 20, found great friendship in the My Little Bronies community. He has been a Horse Guy ever since.

Abby and Will are planning on having three children and calling them “The Stallion Battalion.” We cannot allow this to happen at any cost. The plan? Tell them they are horse killers for using glue until they are sick with guilt and can never look at a horse again.

Dean

Like many wannabe actors, Dean is just an emotionally stunted theatre kid. His Twitter bio reads: “elphaba’s actually evil twin | triple threat | actor | singer | dancer | currently: cordelia in virtual cross-gender king lear.” Dean’s latest fixation has been none other than Cats (2019 film). He has started wearing green morph suits, licking his hands, and insisting his bulge is way too big. His Pinterest board is just James Corden: James Corden in cars, James Corden behind a desk, James Corden on a desk. We all know an overgrown theatre kid, but this is too far.

Cyberbullying Dean will be the easiest of them all; his interest in theatre implies deep seated and exploitable insecurity. Under each of his show promotion posts, simply comment “great line” or “I had to squint to see you!”

Hannah

Hannah is a 16 year old girl currently attending Middlebrook High in Virgina. She has 2 close friends who aren’t necessarily “cool” but don’t really mind. She’s on the soccer team; her mom brings snacks to practice but not in an aggressive, sleeping pilled way. She has a crush on the soft boi jock who sucks at math and reading. If Hannah continues down this very normal, chill path, she is destined to be sooo boring. She needs to build some freaking character.

Join me in creating an actually productive and interesting member of society. Comment mean things about her clothes! Say whatever people said to you! Personally, I will say things like “you look a lot like dakota johnson if dakota johnson was ugly and wouldn’t shut the hell up.”