Trump’s Star Witness in Michigan Regains Credibility After Getting Keys Back From Bartender

“This is by far the worst Judge Judy I’ve ever been on.”

Photo of woman from Ryan J. Reilly’s Twitter. Keys, license

December 4, 2020

According to the Washington Post, Melissa Carone, a star witness for the Trump campaign, was deemed ‘not credible’ by a judge before she spoke on Dec. 2nd at the Michigan State House hearing on the 2020 election. The clip of her testimony subsequently went viral, where many pointed out Carone’s demeanor depicted that of a drunken suburban mother at a ‘Wine Wednesday.’ Our reports are now confirming that the judge’s ruling was overturned after Carone provided evidence that she was not inebriated, and in fact, the bartender at the restaurant she was patronizing prior to the hearing did give her car keys back.

When Carone had taken the stand to deliver her baseless claims about voter fraud in Detroit, her words seemed oddly slurred and very delusional. “I signed something saying if I’m wrong, I can go to prison. I also signed something saying that if I gave The Saudi Arabian Prince my Social Security number and pictures of my feet, he would make me the Queen of Qatar. Did you?” shouted Carone. After each time Carone interrupted state Representative Steve Johnson (R), she would begin to drink pink liquid from a crushed, unlabeled plastic water bottle that was hidden under her bra strap. We later discovered it was rosé. “What? I can’t have a sip of Kommmmmmmmbucha?” she slurred.

When Rep. Johnson attempted to clarify with Carone about the estimated number of compromised votes in the poll-book, she responded, “I know that poll-book is off by at least 100,000 votes. Look, see how many fingies? 10. I can count, okay? We need an expert in the hiz-house and I know Big Booty Rudy and he said he would bring in Sir Count vonCount from Sesame Street to get the REAL TRUTH.” Giuliani, sitting beside Carone, quickly shushed her. It’s unconfirmed whether the Sesame Street celebrity and Giuliani have any relation; we could not reach vonCount for comment.

As Trump’s team scrambled to overturn Carone’s initial ruling as a non-credible witness, the bartender, Courtney Anderson, at Ruby Tuesday came forward to return Carone’s car keys. Anderson explained, “She came in when we opened at 11am and started with two Long Island Iced Teas. When she said she wanted to ‘sober up’ she asked for three mango White Claws. She then started singing She Will Be Loved by Maroon 5, so it was company policy we take her car keys. But then she got angry and ripped out a chunk of my hair, so I gave the keys back.” Trump’s team used this leverage to say their witness was sober by the time she was present at the hearing.

If you or a loved one plans on driving anywhere in the state of Michigan, don’t.