BREAKING: Barstool Sports Announces New Initiative to Hire More Diverse Douchebags

“At the end of the day we all shit brown or yellow or green. Sometimes blood.” – Barstool

February 17, 2021

By: Ronuk Johal

NEW YORK – Barstool Nation, the digital media company with a focus on sports, pop-culture, and toxic masculinity has been producing content for its audience ranging from degenerates to future felons. The company boasts a talented staff with the likes of Big EV, Hubbs, and Nate. 

Now, the company is looking to include a demographic that has been noticeably absent from the roster: literally any person of color. In an effort to expand “diversity,” a term that founder David Portnoy (El Presidente) just learned, Barstool has announced an initiative to add more people of color to their team.

Barstool highlighted their flaws and how having a non-white person can fix them in the following memo sent out last week:

What’s up Barstool Entrepreneurs! 

As we all already know, we’re in the middle of this pandemic and yeah, shit sucks. It won’t stop our foam parties, and it certainly won’t stop Barstool from producing sick content in 2021. However, people keep mentioning that we called Colin Kaepernick a terrorist, but what they forgot was that it happened in 2016 so it doesn’t really count anymore due to statute of limitations. 

So yeah, someone has to stick their hands in the mud and deal with all the shitty backlash. The Execs decided that it might be good to get a few Mohammeds and Hanshins to join our Kyles and Tylers. We’ll be sure to vet them thoroughly before we bring them on board. Honestly this is all just so that we can get a hookah in the break room.

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“Even if they’re like four-thirds Hawaiian I think that counts. I mean as long as you’re one of the hot races,” said Joshua Skidmark, a Diversity & Inclusion Board Member. “We definitely don’t need any more girls because we have Tammy Nelson, and she totally rocks.” 

“I’ve been at Barstool for a few years now. They wanted someone to do data analytics but also said they hired me because they needed someone to throw out all the tampons Jenna Marbles left behind. Overall the job is fine. Would be nice if there was another woman, but Dave said if there’s one more woman then by law they have to build a women’s restroom for me,” explained Nelson. 

After a round of applications, Barstool released a statement welcoming two new members to the team; Raj and Arjun. Barstool stresses the importance of having a varied staff as it allows for greater points of view when creating their content. “Damn,” added Skidmark. “I think Arjun’s a Saudi prince!”