The Vaccine Will Trickle Down, Promises Top 1%

First we vaccinate Jeff Bezos, then Reaganomics will take care of the rest

January 31, 2021

By: Grant Yang

Amid growing concerns of slow vaccine distribution, the top 1% banded together to assure Americans that the COVID19 vaccine will eventually trickle down to the masses. 

Amazon CEO, Jeff Bezos promised, “You just have to trust the system. After all the billionaires get vaccinated, the antibodies will undoubtedly leak their way into the hovels of commoners.”

Other grossly wealthy individuals joined Bezos in defending trickle-down vaccination, explaining the concept to skeptical dim-witted plebeians. “It’s quite simple, actually,” described Elon Musk, “all the Pfizer and Moderna doses should be directed and administered to the handful of individuals that hold half the nation’s wealth. This may seem counterintuitive, but we actually deserve them. Then, the rich will invest their antibodies and stimulate the nation’s immunity by spitting on the poor.”

“It’s true,” added Bezos, “Elon and I have been walking around the streets of dense population centers, coughing and sneezing on any members of the proletariat that we see. Socially distant of course. We really are the modern day Robin Hood.”

Despite the top 1%’s best efforts however, immunity rates in the United States have remained stagnant while COVID19 cases continue to rise. The vast majority of Americans have yet to receive any benefit from Bill Gates’ saliva propelled directly into their face.

In an effort to accelerate the trickling down of the vaccine, the CDC has administered an additional 1 million doses directly into Jeff Bezos’ body. “At this point, we’re doing all that we can,” grumbled Bezos as a frontline healthcare worker scratched her own name off a vial before injecting it into the CEO’s swollen deltoid, “but we can’t help people that don’t want to help themselves. Not everyone can be born into Phase 1A like me. You need to pull your immune system up by its bootstraps if you want to get some of this vaccine.” Bezos then turned toward the nurse still holding the syringe, pulled down her mask, and promptly expectorated into her mouth. “You’ve earned it, girl.”