It’s 8AM. Don’t Forget to Slap Your Muscles Awake

Slap, slap, slap, breathe, slap, slap, slap

February 2, 2021

By: John Hedrick

Routine. Routine. Routine. It was the first thing experts recommended at the beginning of quarantine for people with varying levels of anxiety anywhere from functional yet nervous to obsessively biting fingernails. As Bullet Journals sales sky rocket and bread consumption increases, people continue to search for ways to cope during these mediocre times. However, experts forgot to mention one traditional health exercise practiced by the wise and experienced: slapping your muscles.

A recent study found that slapping your muscles moments after waking up can increase joint mobility by 25% along with higher dopamine levels. Scientists consider this an excellent way to start the day and suggest incorporating it into your daily routine as we are all looking for a blip of happiness. Often overlooked, slapping the muscles awake has been practiced for centuries. The secrets of the practice are yet to be revealed.

Slapping your muscles while doing a squat motion has been shown to wake them up in the morning but according to Med.AncientAsianScripture.edu, it can also increase your walking speed. Slapping while you walk increases blood flow thus increasing your velocity. Be careful if you try this as many people accidentally slap the extra large visor off their head. Slapping muscles while your tea is heating up is also shown to raise tea temperatures significantly. For each slap there is a one-to-one increase in temperature (Celsius or Fahrenheit) regardless of using a microwave or kettle. Like maize for the Aztecs, the possible benefits of slapping are boundless.

Hopefully this simple addition to your quarantine routine presents some benefits. As many private companies search for a vaccine, very few look at the effects of slapping on the coronavirus. Some scientists say they have data to support that slapping prevents COVID19 from even existing, but overall, the research is inconclusive. Don’t trust Pfizer, trust traditional Chinese medicine!