Asian Dad Certifies Jar of Prawn Chilli Paste From 1995 as ‘Still Safe

“Just eat it. It’s FINE.”

February 3, 2021

By: John Doe

Controversy erupted in the Chan household today when Aaron (24) attempted to learn to cook Indonesian-style mee goreng. Following his mother’s careful instructions, Chan was confident in his success until he had to unearth a jar of Heng’s prawn chilli paste from the family fridge. 

Upon opening the half-full jar, Chan realised that the paste had, in fact, expired in 1995. His move to throw the jar out prompted distress from both of his parents, who confirmed they had not, in fact, used it since 2018, but needed to retain it for its unique flavour. 

Chan’s 61 year-old father, Hong, confidently asserted that the paste was still safe to eat: “Ah boy, we’ve had this since we moved here to San Francisco. Can’t get this anywhere anymore after they stopped importing it. We must keep it.” 

Both Chan and his sister Anna’s objections were overruled, despite the jar of paste being old enough to vote, drink, and avoid paying higher rates of insurance when buying a car. 

Chan was distinctly unhappy about the decision, but noted that the jar’s existence confirmed some of his psychological insecurities. “For goodness’ sake, the damn Heng’s is older than I am! This explains why I never had any of the firstborn child privileges, this jar is their firstborn. I mean, they went to the trouble of bringing this over from Indonesia.”

His sister Anna was more circumspect as she reflected on her own pantry: “No, I get it, these brands do change their recipes over time, and you just can’t get authentic chili paste here in California. Anyway, I have a bottle of sesame oil from 2015, and that’s still fine, so yeah.”

Later reports confirmed that the paste was indeed added to the dish after Chan’s first attempt tasted remarkably bland. Did the dish taste good? There’s no way to tell because they all passed away.