White Woman Using Headspace Claims She Is the Dalai Lamesse

Free Tibet? Her favorite brand is Free People

March 17, 2021

Manhattan resident and Pottery Barn fanatic, Kaylee Bridle believes Headspace is far more than a mindfulness app. It was her call to destiny as the world’s Dalai Lamesse.

“I had really bad insomnia in college. I’d get in bed around 9:30 and only fall asleep around, like, 9:45. When I started using Headspace, I fell asleep right away. Like as soon as the guy started speaking. That’s honestly when I realized that I’m really good at meditating. Almost too good.”

Kaylee went down an internet rabbit hole on Buddhism and slowly the dots started to connect. Nirvana? She listens to them. Free Tibet? Her favorite brand is Free People. Monk robes? She loves Toga parties. All the pieces were there.

It was not long before Kaylee adopted a red/orange/yellow color scheme and insisted on her new name: Dalai Lamesse. On her desk, a placard that reads “D. Lamesse.” On her license plate: “D-LAM3553.” Her tramp stamp: “Dee Lambs.”

Kaylee has been requesting a private audience with the Dalai Lama for months now – mostly to get his thoughts on her tattoo. “I think it’s really unfair that Greta Thunberg got to speak to the Dalai Lama. All she’s done is skip school, and I’m literally him as a woman. I don’t get it.”

When asked to comment on Kaylee’s Dalai Lamesse status, the Dalai Lama’s PR office responded “everyone is capable of enlightenment. Except women who wear infinity scarves and write in that type of big cursive.” Kaylee is often seen wearing infinity scarves with cable knit sweaters that have ‘Don’t Talk To Me Before I’ve Had My Coffee’ printed on the front.

Many of Kaylee’s friends are very happy about her new spiritual practice. Jess McKinsely, a friend from Alpha Kappa Delta Phi, commented “it’s not like she’s claiming to be the next Jesus Christ, you know? Plus, we at Alpha Kap really celebrate diversity and inclusion. She can be on all our brochures now.”

At press time, Kaylee has started leading her own meditation group and delivering keynotes on how to be reincarnated as a white woman or golden retriever.