QUIZ: Are You the Bitch on Venmo?

A simple guide to figuring out if your $0.05 request was a bitch move!

January 3, 2021

Venmo is liminal. The money that exists there is beyond our comprehension, our understanding, our reality, just like the Canadian dollar. Venmo is on the precipice of violence. A miscalculated cost, an ill-received request, a vague caption, a friendship ruined. Here’s a simple guide so you can figure out if you are being a Bitch on Venmo.

You gave me a spearmint Altoid. You_____

A: Literally just go about your day as normal

B: Venmo requested me $0.23 with the caption ‘snacks!’ Funny.

You were put in charge of bringing the wine for our wine and cheese night but you bring Truly’s Hard Seltzer. You_____

A: Politely acknowledge the mix-up. We say “no big deal,” and Chelsea runs out to get Barefoot Moscato, you take the Truly home so you can disappoint your future guests

B: Declare that you just wanted a low-cal option, knowing that some of us have severe gastrointestinal sensitivity to carbonated drinks, and request $4 from all 8 of us for a $12 pack.

You babysit my cat while I visit my parent’s house over the weekend. By the time I come back, the cat is dead, so you _____

A: Grovel at my feet begging for forgiveness. You spent every second watching her and you just don’t know how it happened.

B: Venmo request me for the food that put my cat into anaphylactic shock and killed her. Make sure to include the cab fare to and from Happy Feet Pet Shop.

You did not see my cat go into anaphylactic shock because you were sleeping with my boyfriend. You ____

A: Apologize profusely, saying you had no idea he was my boyfriend. He lied and said he was a neighbor also tasked with checking up on my cat. Men are trash. (This would have allowed you to pay more attention to my cat and prevent her death.)

B: Venmo request me $0.01 for “taking him off your hands” after I blocked you on all other social media.

If you got mostly A’s, congratulations! You’re not the bitch. If you got mostly B’s, you are my friend Sharon! Hey Sharon! Fuck you, you still have to pay me back for the Uber 🙂 :3