Starbucks Announces New Mango Lassi Frappuccino After Popularity of Chai Tea Latte

Almost as good as Taco Bell’s Garlic Naan Bread Chalupa’s!

By Neel Bhakta

April 19, 2023

SEATTLE – After seeing the popularity of the chai tea latte, Starbucks leadership has formally announced the introduction of the new menu item Mango Lassi Frappuccino. 

“I’ve had a few rough months, you know. That meaniehead Bernie Sanders yelled at me in front of Congress because I’m a union buster and now my wife won’t look me in the eyes,” said longtime Starbucks CEO Howard Schultz. “That all changed when I went to this Indian spot and saw they had something called a Mango Lassi. Look, I don’t mean to brag, but I knew what a mango was, but what the fuck is a lassi? And that’s when the ka-chings went off in my head. I could call it a frappuccino and all the angry White liberals would forget about my scummy business practices and slurp that shit up,” said Schultz, tenting his fingers together sinisterly.

Members of the Indian community were outspoken against the outrageous new menu item.

“Okay, first of all, we’re still upset that everyone is still calling it a chai tea latte. I don’t call you stupid fucks, dumb stupid fucks, because that’s redundant, you stupid fuck” said Himesh Agarwal, a prominent leader in the Indian American community. “Secondly, this new Mango Lassi Frappuccino is an affront to every single god and goddess we worship. For starters, a lassi is made with yogurt, while a frappuccino is made with 12 pounds of sugar.”

“Man, I knew this shit would happen ever since we just let White people steal yoga from us,” said a distraught Agarwal. 

At press time, Taco Bell quickly unveiled their newest product called Garlic Naan Bread Chalupas.