Studies Show Shitting At Work Major Power Move

We must lift up BIPOC in the corporate workplace. 

December 7, 2022

By: Natalie Lin

After your fifth cup of coffee you’re just ready to drop your pants and let it rip. But out of the corner of your eye, you spot your coworker’s cankles in the stall next to yours. The awkward tension builds as the most important question of the day reveals itself: who will shit first? 

A recent study indicates that the answer, in fact, should be you. The science from CRAP, Confidant Rectums and Poops, reveals that shitting at work is a major power move. “Does an alpha wait to shit? Fuck no,” said Liu, President of CRAP. “You need to mark your territory first and let the smell of your dominance waft throughout the cubicles.”

Liu particularly despises Toto toilets that play spa music to muffle bowel activities. “The sound of waves crashing on rocks is the sound of oppression,” declared Liu. “The Japanese toilet conglomerate is trying to silence the real music of the bathroom: the melody of your brown rocks crashing into the ocean below.” 

“Gosh, has this all been too much?” Said Liu at one point in a lapse of self-awareness, but he quickly reverted back to his original tune. “No. Only a Beta would say so. You, my warrior, are an alpha. So shit like one.” 

Liu continues to operate CRAP inside his Vape shop. When asked for scientific evidence, Liu said he sometimes feels threatened when his dog shits next to him. He then proceeded to take a massive rip out of his bong.