New Asian Parents Have Heated Fight Over Naming Son Michael or David

New age parents don’t like ‘Kevin’ anymore

September 20, 2021

By: Ian Yamamoto

SEATTLE — Recent parents Jasmine and Vincent Wong are having a huge fight over whether to name their newborn son Michael or David according to sources.

“My son’s name will be Michael Wong and that’s that,” said mother Jasmine. “It’s important to me that our son fits in and if you want to fit in, you don’t pick a name that stands out. You pick Michael – a strong Asian American name. Maybe the strongest. If you make fun of Michael, you’re making fun of all the Michaels in the world. Jordan, Tyson, Cera. No one wants to mess with that. Also, Michael is one of the hardest names to make fun of. It doesn’t rhyme with anything. Bike-chael? That’s weak. Pickle? That’s not even close. If my son’s name is made fun of it’ll be because of my damn husband’s last name. Wong becomes Dong so easily.”

Mr. Wong disagrees with his wife and insists that his son be named David despite the risks.

“Michael is so common and it has so much baggage. Jordan, Tyson, Cera – these are screwed up men. Dave Foley, Larry David, Super Dave Osborne. These are great men. My wife says that because David starts with a D, it’s alliterative with Dong, which will encourage clever bullies to call him David Dong. Well I say, being called Dong isn’t a bad thing. In college, they called me All-In Dong. It was a sex nickname that implied I was virile. So I liked it. My son could have something like that too. David Dong sounds like a cool porn star and we need more Asian American male representation in porn!”

We spoke with Asian Americans Michael Suzuki and David Park to learn about what it was like growing up with their names.

“People call me Psycho-Michael to this day,” said Suzuki. “It’s a half-rhyme and sometimes it’s cool to hear it like when I’m playing sports, but it still stings.” “Kids called me Gayvid,” said David Park. “What the hell were my parents thinking? It’s so obvious.”

At press time, Jasmine and Vincent Wong were seen screaming at each other when a last-minute Brian was thrown into the mix.