Entrepreneur? Woman’s Co-Star Advises Her to Start MLM Cult

College-aged white women beware

March 30, 2022

By: Andal Paul

NEWARK, NEW JERSEY – Emma’s phone chimed in-between bites of her makeshift acai bowl, its ring buzzing ominously on the kitchen table. Emma stuffed the rest of her yogurt-encrusted chia seeds down her dainty throat before reaching to see who it could be. Not who – but what. Her horoscope app. “Start an MLM Cult,” it read vaguely, as horoscopes usually do. 

From there, according to Emma, the rest was easy. With the Christmas money from her parents, she was able to build a website (pay someone to do it), grow her social media presence (exploit a POC to do it), and develop the methodology and execution plan for her superficial product (see: aforementioned POC). 

“Yeah she told me she wanted to build her brand but lacked the skills to get it done,” said Lakshmi Sharma, IT specialist and childhood friend of Emma. “I really didn’t want to do it, but she called and started wailing about how the trauma from her childhood goldfish dying inhibited her from coding, because her goldfish died right next to a computer.” Lakshmi sighed. “Bullshit, I know, but I’d look like an asshole if I said no in-between sobs.” 

With Emma’s company in full swing, many college age white women are waking up with their notifications flooded. 

“I’m so excited to join,” divulged 19 year-old Megan Carnes. “The fact that Emma Smith started this company, and yet is still the one to message girls like me, it’s crazy. She’s so down to earth.” Megan popped open a can of diet coke and took a sip. “There was no doubt in my mind this was company for me. They said they were looking for ‘driven women’ interested in ‘bettering themselves and the world’. I can’t think of a better organization tbh.”

When asked what exactly Emma’s company aimed to do, Megan stuttered and said, “Well.. Emma has yet to share the big news, but it is coming. I’ve already invested $10,000 of my parents money plus I gave her a copy of my diary from last year because she said it would make us closer. I trust her and the process.”