Win for American Democracy! This Child of Divorce Loves Having Two Parties

Stop trying to work together and just split

February 22, 2022

America’s bipartisanship is the subject of mass scrutiny and disgruntlement, and while momentum is rising to “burn the system down,” one young boy is inspiring hope in our two-party system.

“When my parents started fighting, I mean yeah, it was rough,” says Jimmy, age 11, “but things got a lot better when they stopped trying to work together and just split. Birthdays, Christmases, I’m getting two parties for everything. I just got a B+ in geometry and my mom gave me a PS5 and my dad gave me a discontinued black market Hoverboard. They’re fighting over me with money. It’s awesome. Mom is winning because the Hoverboard blew up.”

Jimmy is showing us division that leads to competition. Competition that leads to a fight for approval. A fight for approval that leads to gifts. These are the hopes and promises of our two-party democracy. When asked how we could apply the divorce model to our government, Jimmy remarked “all these guys need to stop mindlessly fighting and start channeling their hatred into something more productive, like buying every American the Call of Duty: United Offensive Expansion Pack.”

Jimmy is right. The only thing all Americans have in common is the love of receiving stuff. “Instead of fighting over abortions, guns, healthcare, why not just give us everything? Abort with an AK-47, who cares! If it goes wrong you have universal health care!” Jimmy asserted, “look, you don’t win over the American people with scarcity. You win them over with abundance.”

If the two-party system breeds such contention, would a third party add even more? We turn to Jimmy, “three is too many. I wouldn’t want to eat, like, three birthday cakes. If I had to choose the ideal number of parties, I mean having one wasn’t so bad,” Jimmy mumbled, “it was nice to be a real family.”