Chinese New Year Parade Replaces Dragon Dance With Dragon Twerk Contest

Get those red envelopes ready

January 31, 2022

By: Victor Tran

“Welcome the new year with a little twist… and a lot more twerk”, reads the flier for this year’s Lunar New Year parade. Pinned onto every car’s windshield for blocks, flyers for the 2022 Lunar New Year Parade feature a sexy dragon with the fattest ass since Dreamworks’ Shrek.

In an attempt to reach a younger audience, parade organizers are looking to nightclub promoters for help with marketing. The result was a modern twist on traditional ceremonies. Teapots from Dim Sum restaurants will be served by bottle girls with champagne sparklers. Chinese paper lanterns will be lit by rave glow sticks. And the main attraction – the controversial Dragon Twerk Contest. 

The changes were released in a statement by the event organizers. It read: “Chinese dragons were believed to control water. We are happy to reveal that this year, they will be making it rain again.”  

Younger parade participators see no problem with the new changes. However older, more traditional parade goers do not approve. 

“It’s a mockery of our culture”, says Xiao Li, a 70 year old Chinese woman who frequents the parade annually. Her ABG granddaughter, Kelly, argues, “What’s the difference? The dragons already look like they’re twerking.”

Event organizers took offense to the accusations. “How is this a mockery of tradition?”, asks nightclub owner Kevin Chen. “We’re simply eliminating the old puppets, putting the dragon heads on our dancers, and having them twerk in the street for money! How does that diminish Chinese culture in any way?!”

      Regardless of public sentiment, the Dragon Twerk Contest will proceed as planned. The 2000 year old Dragon Dance, a ritual performed to attract power and wealth, will be replaced with twerking- a modern ritual performed to attract power and wealth.