Words From a Ring Light: “I’ve Seen Atrocities That Should Be Seen by No Man”
“Please put your shirt back on”
January 19, 2022
By: John Hedrick
Trends on Tik Tok have become an American staple from the dancing to the teenagers screaming at animals. One thing that is less known to the American people is the unpaid labor ring lights endure. One brave ring light speaks out about the inhumane work conditions and long hours without pay.
“My purpose is to provide better lighting. That’s it. I’m not qualified to be a therapist for these people. The other day, my boss cried after missing the beat to a Baby Keem dance,” said ring light Pete (names have been changed to preserve anonymity).
“They aren’t just dancing anymore. They’re acting, singing, and holding plug in headphones in a weird way when they do voice overs? I can’t do this anymore. I’m supposed to be a 9-5 broadcast network for local news, not a 17 year old’s bedroom day in and day out. I have to work 24/7 while the clothes can just hang out on the floor. God, why couldn’t I have been born as a wrinkly Nirvana T-shirt?”
Upon hearing this tragic news we spoke to other workers in the industry.
“I have been shining this awful purple pink color since July,” said Joey, a set of LED Strip lights. “I’ve never had to work so much since the silhouette challenge. And now people won’t shut up about ‘bisexual lighting,’ pumping out pink and purple over and over and over again. I’d rather be a strobe.”
However, there are some workers who argue they actually have it the worst.
“You all are just the lights. I gotta record these assholes and then I know all their search history as well,” said Will the iPhone 11 Pro. “My boss has a screen time of 13 hours. No breaks. You think I can handle working 13 consecutive hours and all they do is cycle through Tik Tok, Instagram, Twitter, Instagram, Twitter, Tik Tok, Pornhub, Tik Tok, Instagram, Twitter. I can’t take it anymore!”
Moments later, a teenager burst into the room asking us why we were talking to a bunch of unplugged devices.
