Ew! This Family Verbally Expresses Love

“Why are you saying these things instead of just cutting fruit?”

November 3, 2021

By: Grant Yang

SAN JOSE, CA—While visiting his long-term girlfriend Gloria Qian’s parents, veteran Asian Kyle Liao was bewildered to find the family verbally exchanging love and affection. He himself had never openly expressed positive emotions toward his family members, causing a massive culture shock upon witnessing such foreign concepts. For example, upon the couple’s arrival at the Qian household, the mother-daughter pair exchanged a long hug along with several “I missed yous” and “I’m so glad you’re heres.”

“Babe, why did you say that stuff at the door?” Liao asked later, “that was ironic, right? Like you were referencing Modern Family or something? Normal people don’t say those things to their parents.” He explained that in his family, “If you want to show that you miss someone, you smuggle some vegetables through customs and make a stir fry in their kitchen. I don’t even think there’s a word for ‘miss’ in Chinese.”

Even after this educational conversation, the Qian family continued to defy cultural norms. When Gloria revealed that she had gotten a promotion at her financial consulting firm, her father said “I’m proud of you baobao,” to which she quickly responded, “I couldn’t have done it without you, dad. You were always there for me.”

“Babe, what the fuck,” Liao interjected while pushing the two apart before they could hug, “are you okay?! That was close, you almost touched your dad. Why are you saying these things instead of just cutting fruit?”

When we asked Gloria about her side of the story, she told us, “Yeah, this is the fifth Asian boyfriend that’s freaked out on me when they meet my family. The last one thought I was having a stroke when I told my dad ‘I love you.’ He said he’d never heard that phrase in his life.”

Liao was last seen in the fetal position repeatedly calling his father’s voicemail just to feel rejected and ignored again.