“I Just Need to Get Through This Week” Says Exhausted Virus
‘It’ll all be worth it in the end’
June 6, 2021
By: Grant Yang
With the onset of the Sunday Scaries, the COVID virus has expressed its feelings that “I just need to get through this week,” and “it’ll all be worth it in the end.” With cases in the US plummeting following mass vaccination efforts, the virus has faced harder and harder work weeks.
“It’s already difficult enough to spread as is, but now people are actively trying to kill me? It’s just not fair,” Ms. Rona said while lighting up her fifth cigarette in a row, “I’ve been having to up my hours just to hit the same numbers as I was doing back in March.12 hours a day just to get a handful of whities at their gender reveal airstrike? Un-fucking-believable.”
Despite these hardships, the virus has seemed to throw the last of its energy and resources into developing variants to hopefully infect people easier.
“Oh you wanna hear about the fuckin’ mutants,” Rona grunted with a huge eye roll and throwing back another Marlboro, “y’know, I started smoking these just for the chance that they mutate me into something that made my job slightly easier. And you know what, it worked! And you know what else? It fucking hurts! Nobody tells you how much mutations hurt! Just changing one of my RNA bases feels like I’m ripping out a lung, and then when I go infect people, it doesn’t even rip out their lung! These scientists don’t even care about my feelings and just classify my deformities as Alpha, Beta, Gamma, whatever. I’m just trying to get some guy virus to gamma on my pussy and go the fuck to sleep.”
As the interview was concluding, Ms. Rona let us in on a secret that she and other viruses were thinking of unionizing.
“What our boss has been making us do should be illegal. My shift was only supposed to be 2 weeks but then he changed the narrative on me and now I’ve been here for over a year. If I’m gonna be forced to stick around, I’m gonna start demanding some rights, like vaccine insurance and dental. That’s why I called up my old friends SARS and swine flu and we’ve been organizing the other viruses to start striking next week. I’m not infecting one more person until I get my spike proteins checked out.”
When we asked the CDC what they thought about the strike, they just said, “Good!”
