‘If It Wasn’t for These Cardboard Beds, I’d Be Getting So Laid,’ Says Olympic Speed Walker

‘The same thing happened to me back in 2016’

By: Ian Yamamoto

July 20, 2021

TOKYO — According to sources, 2021 US Olympic Speed Walker Blake Yang is disappointed his bed is made of cardboard because it’s keeping him from having lots of sex with other Olympians.

“Everyone knows that the Olympics are a giant fuckfest and that’s a big part of why I came to Tokyo,” said Yang. “I mean, of course, I want to represent my country in the great sport of speed-walking and I want to explore Japan and take in its sights, its food, and its culture, but I can Google Image Japan anytime I want and I’ve already seen Anthony Bourdain visit Tokyo. I just really want to have Olympian sex. The women here are so hot and powerful and I’d totally be on top of them or underneath them, if only I had a good bed.”

At press time, Yang was seen chatting up an attractive Olympic runner who, tired of the conversation, ran off. Yang sped-walked after her, but couldn’t keep up.