Even After Recent Attacks, GOP Still Refusing to Ban Godzilla Sales

It’s just not fair to all the responsible Godzilla owners out there

May 18, 2021

WASHINGTON, D.C. – Many remember the New York City Chinatown Massacre last month, the latest in a string of Godzilla attacks across the country that has left locals everywhere terrified.

While thoughts and prayers were tweeted by the GOP over the past few weeks, a recent bill regarding “Godzilla Control” put forward by Senator Bernie Sanders has been soundly rejected by the GOP and Senator Joe Manchin. Sanders asked if the rest of Congress could imagine a world without daily Godzilla attacks, and was laughed out of the room with folks calling the idea a “crazy socialist utopian fantasy.”

Reports indicated that Senator Marco Rubio, who voted against the bill, had been receiving cash payments from powerful lobbyists of the National Godzilla Association (NGA).

“I see no need to limit the freedoms of Godzilla owners in America. We’ve got to realize that Godzilla doesn’t kill people, people kill people,” responded Rubio.

Democrats have lamented that the GOP’s stubbornness refuses to acknowledge that the country needs any stricter Godzilla Control. Studies show that if there are less Godzillas in the public, then less people will die from Godzilla attacks.

“That might work for Europe and New Zealand, but there are too many Godzillas in America already. The only way to stop a bad guy with a Godzilla is a good guy with a Godzilla!” asserted Rubio.

Since schools have opened back up, Palo Alto Highschool has started instituting weekly active Godzilla drills. These consist of all students and teachers clearing the hall, locking the door to their classroom, hiding under the desks, and then praying to their God because it’s impossible to survive.

This unfortunately, has led to a noticeable decline in the quality of the in-classroom education. Math teacher Matt Wong admits, “We’ve spent so much time making sure we are prepared for another Godzilla attack that we haven’t had the chance to progress through my lesson plan. At this rate, I’m not sure we’re even going to get to the Pythagorean Theorem before finals.”

In response, Senator Lindsey Graham suggested arming teachers with Godzillas. When asked why they could find room in the budget for Godzillas but not for more books, supplies, or school lunches, Senator Graham shrugged and muttered “eh forget I even suggested it.”

There have been requests for background checks to purchase a Godzilla, and those demands have been met with outrage.

One local self-described “Godzilla-nut” asked in horror, “You mean if this law was passed, I wouldn’t be able to drive to a Walmart and just pick up a Godzilla? A three ton radiation spewing, straight killing machine? They’re going to make sure I’m mentally stable in order to buy a Godzilla that I’m going to just leave lying around my house? Are you crazy? This is America, you know that right? This is America.”

Times Square photo courtesy of Terabass via wikimedia commons