Amazon Offers Employees Who Post Anti-Union Tweets 5 Minute Bathroom Breaks

Don’t forget to put a box emoji in your name so people know it’s for real.

March 31, 2021

As Amazon, the online shopping behemoth, is facing a historic union vote at one of its warehouses in Alabama, CEO Jeff Bezos is pulling out all the stops to maintain authoritarian control of the company and its workers.

In a company-wide email, Bezos wrote that he is happy to negotiate on certain working conditions if the workers do not unionize. Bezos has also shared plans to install toilets in their delivery trucks and a trough-like bathroom system in the warehouse.

“We think our employees will be very excited by the new trucks. We are incorporating a bathroom system that is very similar to those used on the International Space Shuttle. The trough system sounds less appealing, but with privacy shields and a pressurized waste disposal system, we believe the user experience will be pleasantly freeing and one-of-a-kind. You will need to bring your own toilet paper.”

Modest estimates would show the investment in a new fleet of delivery trucks and the cost of implementing a NASA grade toilet system are upwards of $14 billion, but the cost of innovating to increase productivity, while keeping the cost of worker’s compensation down, is the company’s main objective.

Our researchers were unable to calculate an estimate on the “pressurized trough” system because we don’t know what it is. One researcher responded to the request by asking, “Do you mean like a long, weaving, open tub that will just be flowing with human waste, that just goes all around the warehouse? …Like if instead of a sushi conveyor belt, it’s a flowing stream of pee and poo?” I didn’t respond, but the truth is, I don’t think anyone knows.

Bezos ended his email with a final tantalizing offer.

“If you’re on the fence on the issue, I ask you to vote against the union until you see the prototype. Additionally, if you know what’s best for the company and your livelihood, vote no and spread the word. If you help spread the word by creating and sharing anti-union social media posts, we can award you with a 5-minute break. Toilet paper included. Sincerely, the Bez. Dictated but not read.”

Update: The vote count began March 30, 2021. The results are still pending.