Proud Boys Storm Capitol and Discover Dilapidated Building Unused for the Last 100 Years

“You didn’t think a human being as nauseatingly garbage as Mitch actually existed, did you?”

January 7, 2020

The neo-fascist Trumpy group “Proud Boys” recklessly stormed the Capitol on Wednesday to oppose the recent presidential election results. The far-right protestors were in for a surprise, however, when instead of a bicameral legislature, they found a desolated and run-down building that has not seen use in the last century. Hoping to rush in and halt the certification of the votes, Proud Boys members were instead greeted with a thick layer of undisturbed dust, mildewy chairs, and a large hourglass running on its last few grains of sand.

Baffled by their findings, protestors turned back toward their commander-in-chief asking for an explanation. Trump then took a deep breath and addressed the curious crowd, “It’s time you guys knew.” He explained that Congress had actually disbanded in 1920 as part of the Treaty of Versailles, but the other two branches of the government hid this from the public to avoid panic. “But what about the election confirmation?” Proud Boys leader Enrique Tarrio asked racistly, “How do we know who won the presidency?” Trump responded, “Actually, the presidency has never been confirmed by the Senate. The winner has always been decided by a best-of-3 game of “rock paper scissors” and the rest of the numbers made up. In fact, the Senate has never confirmed, made, or debated a decision since its inception.”

“No, that can’t be true!” exclaimed Tarrio, patriotically pissing his pants, “what about all the media coverage of Congress? I’ve seen Mitch McConnell and other senators live on TV countless times.”

“That was all special effects, green screen, and paid actors,” Trump snorted, “You didn’t think a human being as nauseatingly garbage as Mitch actually existed, did you?”

“You’re saying the Democrats you hated never existed, either? What about AOC?!” Tarrio begged, frantically clinging to reality. “Who?” Trump asked while his hologram body began to glitch, “Oh no, the hourglass is running out! Listen, I don’t have much time. Just listen to your heart and you’ll never truly lose me.”

As the last sand grain in the hourglass filtered down, the illusion of D.C. dissipated, leaving the Proud Boys stranded and isolated in a swamp with a few crumbling ruins dotting the wilderness.