BREAKING: Trump Loves the Proud Boys So Much He Marries Them

“Well if you love them so much then why don’t you marry th- Oh he did…”

January 6, 2021

WASHINGTON D.C. – Demonstrations erupted today as many Trump supporters descended upon our nation’s capital to oppose Congress confirming President-Elect Joe Biden. Ever since the Presidential race was called in November, Trump has taken to every media outlet to spout baseless claims and discredit what he deems a “fraudulent” election. Protestors quickly turned to rioters as things turned violent.

Mobs of white-supremacist rioters pushed past police and charged through barricades this afternoon. Although some videos on Twitter indicate that the police themselves opened the barricades. The reason? Unclear, but we can probably guess it was because Tanner the Proud Boy saw his buddy Wyatt the Cop and wanted to give him a good ole boot lickin’.

Hoards of armed white men donning MAGA, confederate, and Don’t Tread On Me flags (and also camo for some reason?) stormed the U.S. Capitol Building, including the House and Senate Chambers, causing quite a bit of destruction to the building too.

Trump took to his favorite media outlet, Twitter (who does not like him back), to share a video of him asking the white-supremacist rioters to “go home peacefully and to restore and respect law-order because that’s what we’re all about baby!” He also managed to reiterate in that video that they won the election by a landslide because “everyone” knows it, which by law, we have to abide by because it says it right in the constitution. Have you read it? Didn’t think so!

He sends off the rioters in the video, asking them to go home once more, but with a twist, “We love you. You’re very special. You’re so amazing and wonderful, that actually, we need to get married. Because I can’t imagine spending another day in my life without you, baby. Today, ha, this last year, my god, has been so absolutely batshit, but you have been with me through thick and thin. You are the Pam to my Jim. You are the girl I want to hold hands with on the beach and not because Ivanka won’t. So please, do me the honor, and marry me?”

Twitter did not allow for this video to be shared widely, citing “risk of violence,” which makes sense because stans often become suicidal when their idol marries someone else. Did you see what happened with Harry Styles and Olivia Wilde? Regardless, we are very happy for Trump and his brother-husbands consisting of boot-licking, racist imbeciles.