“Enough!” New Executive Order Enables Biden to Administer All Abortions Himself

End quote, repeat line. 

July 12, 2022

By: Julia Zhen

With the fall of Roe V. Wade, the United States democrats have been in a disarray trying to fight back for federally protected abortion rights, and President Biden has had “enough.” So much so, he has put forward an executive order that not only permits abortions across the country, but to ensure this, he says he will do them himself. 

“Hell, I’ll even do them myself,” muttered Biden in an impassioned speech in front hundreds of supporters in our nation’s capital. “I want to make sure that every person in America who wants an abortion can get one. Now, I know some of you think I haven’t done much, but let this prove that I am not afraid to get down in the nitty gritty myself. End quote, repeat line.” 

While some thought that Biden was bluffing, they were surprised to see him put the pen ink on paper in the video recently released from the Oval Office where Biden signed the executive order. 

“I’m not sure… he still looks kind of dazed in that video. Like the look in his eye is that no one’s home. Do we know if he took his meds?” said DC local, Cheryl Liu. “Like his hand is all shaky and also he seems to be slurring his words a bit… Oh well, I guess if we can get an abortion, it’s still an abortion, right? I just hope that when he says he’ll do them ‘himself’ that he will only be like… mailing the abortion pills to people’s homes. I don’t trust him as my President, to be quite honest, and I don’t trust him to be my medical doctor either.” 

This new order has improved Biden’s overall favorability ratings this month. They are projected to increase as Biden sets to go on a brief national tour where he will be handing out abortion pills as well as conduct ‘medical operations’ himself. Dr. Rita Singh, OB/GYN, expressed concerns. 

“It’s fine if he wants to hand out the abortion pills like candy, whatever, I don’t care. But do not even think about giving that man a scalpel. Don’t even give him anything sharp actually. He looks like he’s on blood thinners, and that’s just not a good idea.”

Biden was last seen entering the operating room, referring to all patients as “Jack.”