Midwestern White Woman Going to Asia Blissfully Unaware of Incoming Diarrhea

Her diet of avocado toast and macaroni salad is no match for the chili peppers and fresh fish

February 24, 2022

Waiting in Terminal 1 at Minneapolis−Saint Paul International Airport, Meredith Eriksen is an hour away from boarding a life-changing flight to Bangkok. With a copy of Eat Pray Love beside her, she’s already fantasizing about her next few weeks in exotic lands, blissfully unaware that the only guaranteed reality will be the explosive diarrhea hitting her in 29 hours.

Meredith is too busy dreaming about a tall, dark (hair color wise), and handsome local man. He’s mysterious, mostly because of the language barrier. He’s so enchanted by her sturdy Minnesotan build that he wants to dazzle her back with his knowledge about all of Thailand, she hopes. She imagines herself throwing her head back in laughter, carefree like Julia Roberts, but what she doesn’t know is that she’ll look unhinged instead.

Meredith is now 28 hours away from realizing her diet of avocado toast and macaroni salad is no match for the chili peppers, fresh fish, and plethora of spices she’s about to try for the first time. As soon as she tastes her first bite of green curry after landing, she’ll see that she should have stocked up on Tums instead of romance paperbacks. She’ll regret not learning a few words in the language of each country she’ll be backpacking across. Words like “where,” “direction,” “bathroom,” and “where is the direction to the bathroom because I’m going to shit my brains out and what do you mean this public WC doesn’t have toilet paper??”

When her travels are over, Meredith will return to St. Cloud with a tan. She’s going to pitch an essay for Huffington Post about how you shouldn’t judge a book by its cover, because, “food in third world countries may be less clean, but it’s so delicious that the dysentery will be worth it.” She’s even more grateful to live in America, where everything is plentiful and clean, unaware that healthcare in the countries she visited is actually cheaper and more accessible.

And she will go right back to eating hotdish (topped with tater tots, of course) and wings dipped in ranch, and maybe once in a while — if she’s feeling adventurous — she’ll take her uncultured friends to a Thai restaurant, teach them about the exotic dish pad thai, and show off her chopstick skills. She will still screen every restaurant for its Yelp ranking, forgetting about hole-in-wall spots and night markets, which she loved in Ho Chi Minh and Singapore. But for now, Meredith doesn’t know her fate. She chugs her iced coffee down, giving herself pre-diarrhea in the pre-boarding line, and continues to dream about Thailand.