Americans Rejoice as USA Places Gold in 2021 Oppression Olympics

‘We did it!’

By: The Lunar Times Editorial Staff 

July 27, 2021

The United States today celebrated winning gold in the 2021 Oppressor Olympics as they easily outcompeted their opponents to prove just how poorly they treat their citizens. 

In an exclusive interview, US delegate Mitch McConnell boasted of the country’s great efforts from the past five years, “We used the 2020 election really well to make sure we suppressed votes, especially in areas where it was low income and primarily populated by people of color. That has always been a long-time dream of ours. And if we really want to dig deep, we honestly did a great job of how we dealt with aid for Puerto Rico after Hurricane Maria, because we honestly did not do that much. President Trump handing out paper towels was a great touch to really rub in their faces our lack of action or care.”

Previous team coach Mike Pence posted on social media his support and praise for the US team. “We could not have done this without a dedicated team from our boys over at Fox News and OANN. It’s thanks to them that we were able to spread disinformation so well. The boomers bought into conspiracy theories and Q’Anon; it gave us a huge leg up.”

Some members of the public even cite the disinformation and overall lack of trustworthy information circulating the media as the reason why the US took home gold. Olympics Analyst, Josh Klink explained, “The criteria for a competition like this is to see which country oppressed its citizens the best. However, we also want to see how well those policies play out after the fact, and therefore observe citizen behavior as the outcome. The way the US spread false information, achieved in getting multiple different effective COVID19 vaccines, and still managed to struggle to get 60% of the country fully vaccinated is astounding. The people of this country are truly a mess. In an absolute state of disarray.”

Meanwhile, judges are still deciding which of the other contenders will bring home silver and bronze. Current top players include China, Brazil, Belarus, and the UAE. Unlike previous years, Russia elected not to compete in the competition, though reports surfaced that former Russian head coach, official delegate, sole competitor, and team manager Vladimir Putin had been spotted making regular visits to the US training facility pre 2020. His possible secret involvement in past dealings may allow him a gold medal in the US win. More to come.